


While we were Gone

by Charcoalll



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First War with Voldemort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Harry Potter Needs a Hug, Hogwarts Second Year, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, James Potter & Lily Evans Potter Live, Multi, Post-First War with Voldemort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sirius Black Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, The Marauders - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 07:01:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23967307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charcoalll/pseuds/Charcoalll
Summary: James and Lily didn't die that night at the Hallow. They weren't even in England at the time.After they set the deal with Peter as their secret keeper, the Potters receive a visit from Dumbledore, who tells them that they need to leave the country and give him Harry.They trust him.Now 10 years later they return, and everything is not as well as they had hoped.Will they be able to save their family?
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Harry Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 25
Kudos: 164





	1. The Art of Survival

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is my new project, and I am really excited to get to work on it!  
> I hope you enjoy it, and if you have any questions or just wanna chat, dm me on Tumblr; @gatheraroundgays

“What do you mean? That we have to play dead?” James was boiling, he was livid, and if Harry wasn’t sleeping in the room over, he would be yelling. 

It was already dark outside, sky cloudy and heavy with the early October rain that refused to let go of England. 

Harry had been put to bed an hour ago, by a singing Sirius, humming Queen as he slowly put the baby to rest in his crib. 

“I’m gonna miss you Prongslet” he had whispered into the messy head of hair that the boy was already sporting, resembling his father's. Then he had turned the lights off, and left the door slightly ajar, sending one last melancholic look at the crib. 

James and he had stood in the hallway for a long time, talking in hushed voices. Lily had pretended she didn’t hear them cry, didn’t hear Sirius’ quiet sobs as he said goodbye to his brother. Pretended she didn’t see the way James’ eyes were red and puffy when he finally returned to the small kitchen. 

“He’s gonna be out there, fighting, and I can’t do shit to help him” James mumbled into his cup of coffee that Lily carefully placed before him.

“I know… I feel it too” she answered, hugging him from behind.

He had leaned into her touch, letting her perfume and warmth consume him as if it would make everything better. 

Dumbledore had shown up around 30 minutes after Sirius had left. 

“It is the safest option” Dumbledore answered, face calm and eyes twinkling “If you and Mrs. Potter stay in one location, and Harry in another, it would confuse the Death Eaters and heighten your chances of survival.” 

“But that’s why we have the secret keeper, isn’t it?” Lily looked at least as angry as James felt, but she was better at concealing it. 

“Yes, while a secret keeper is a way to keep you and your family safe, it is far from the perfect solution.” Dumbledore stood from his chair “However if you are not in the location the secret keeper is protecting, it will be the perfect cloaking mechanism. Even if you are found and compromised, Harry will be safe and the prophecy won't be able to be fulfilled” 

There was a thick silence in the room, only broken by the slight sleepy noises coming from the baby in the other room. 

James let a hand run through his hair anxiously, trying to make sense of what the headmaster was telling him. 

“Can we sleep on it? Just-” Lily didn’t finish, but she didn’t have too. Dumbledore gave a slight nod, still no emotion on his face. 

“Of cause, but don’t take too long” The old man gave a last smile, then pulled on his pointy hat and heavy coat, “have your decision ready tomorrow. We’ll have a plan by the end of the month” 

And then he was gone in a flash, leaving the couple alone in the kitchen. 

“I don’t wanna leave England” Lily was the one who broke the silence, voice tired and thick with what James guessed was repressed tears. 

“I know” he answered, pulling her into a hug, trying himself not to cry.

He didn’t want to leave his home, didn’t want to leave everything he cared about. He didn’t want to leave the war, to let the people he loved, fight in it. 

He didn’t want to leave Harry with total strangers, Merlin's beard the mere thought of that made him want to vomit. 

“We have to though” Lily pulled away first, looking at him with green eyes full of fear and pain, but most of all determination “If it keeps Harry safe, then that’s what we’ll do” 

“We can trust Dumbledore” James agreed, mastering all the self-control in the world to not let the fear consume him “we’ll do what we have too”.

“To win the war” Lily agrees.

“To save our family”.

oOo

They left a month later, in the early morning breeze of October 31. Handing Harry over to Dumbledore himself.

When Dumbledore had presented the plan at first, James had argued with the fact that they weren’t allowed to tell anyone. 

“I can’t let Sirius think… he won’t be able to bear it Professor please!” James had begged, had pleaded and promised, and threatened, but the old wizard didn’t budge. 

Lily knew that he was right. 

Sirius and James were attached at the hip, the fact that they had only been separated for a month, and James was already going crazy, was more than enough proof of that. 

The mere thought of one of one being without the other, was such a foreign idea to Lily that it was almost bizarre to think about. 

“You can’t tell anyone, that would be too risky” he pushed his moon-shaped glasses up on his nose “We don’t know who the traitor is” 

That had sent James into a new tantrum, because how dared he? If there was anything Sirius was not, it was a Death Eater. 

No way in Merlin’s smelly socks, was Sirius Black, disowned heir of the Black family, absolute disaster and James’ Potter’s best friend, a Death Eater. 

“James if you tell Mr. Black, he will be an even bigger target than he already is” Dumbledore changed tactics after half an hour. “If he knows where you are, and if you’re alive, he’ll be at the top of Voldemort's list” That made James shut up. 

Lily held Harry closer than needed, gave him so many kisses that there wasn’t an inch on his face that she had missed. Held him till James gently took the baby from her arms and handed it over to the older wizard. 

She handed him over sobbing, and the only reason she didn’t fall when her legs gave out was James' strong arms around her. 

“We’re doing this for him my love” he whispered, his voice thick and overflowing with streaming. 

She didn’t respond, she just cried into his chest as Dumbledore disappeared from the street, their baby in his arms. 

Safe from everything that could harm him. 

They arrived in France 20 minutes later, in a tiny cottage with a magnificent view that neither of them could enjoy. 

**oO 11 years later Oo**

All he had needed was a packet of smokes. 

He had gotten the bad habit when Sirius had been to muggle London with Remus in their fifth year, just before The Prank, and he brought the cigarettes to Hogwarts. 

It was also on that same trip Remus had bought Sirius a collar as a joke, only for Sirius to wear it the next six years. 

it was where Sirius had seen his first leather jacket, that Remus ended up buying him as an early Christmas present. 

It ended up being a late Christmas present though since a lot happened in the next few months. 

That Christmas had been ruined. The Prank broke something in the group that had taken years to rebuild, and then The Incident that followed in the Christmas holiday where Sirius ran away from home… It had been a rough year for the Marauders.

However, that was the only reason James Potter had ventured to the small city, almost an hour away if you walked. 

And that’s what he did.

He could have easily apperated to the small shop, but he had begun to enjoy doing things the muggle way. 

Like doing the dishes by hand, and cooking food. 

He would not have spotted the newspaper had it not been for the loud lady in front of him, who gasped audibly for the entire shop to hear. 

“Have you heard the incident at Hogwarts?” She began, and it took James a second to realize that she was speaking to him. 

Even after 10 years in the country, he wasn’t the best at speaking French, but he understood what the woman was saying to him. 

He let his eyes fall on the front page of the newspaper, seeing the headline. 

Saved by Harry Potter, the Boy who lived, it said in big block letters. 

James felt his eyes tunneling and it was like everything around him faded into white noise. 

Harry Potter… his boy. 

His son. 

In one quick motion, James snatched the newspaper from the lady’s hands, rereading the headline multiple times. He didn’t notice her yelp of surprise, nor her curses, as he turned on his heels and began running. 

Out the door, down the road, and then he apperated, landing in his and Lily’s living room with a heavy thud. 

There was a quick flash, then he stood with the tip of a wand pointed at his throat. Green eyes met his dark brown, as he stared at his wife.

“What did you tell me in bed the night of our wedding” Lily’s voice was sharp and hostile, as he looked up at her, eyes wide and breath hitching. 

“That I was gonna show you what real magic looks like” Lily’s eyes turned from distrust to relief, to concern.

“What happened?” She rushed to his side, helping him stand from the floor where he had fallen. 

James didn’t answer just slammed the newspaper onto the table. 

There was quiet in the kitchen for a long while.

“That’s our Harry” she whispered, breaking the silence “That’s my boy” 

A single tear escaped her eye and he brought up a hand to muffle her crying. 

“Yeah, it’s our boy” James's voice was hoarse, as he quietly let her read the article “And I think it’s time to go home” 

“But Dumbledore said-” Lily started, but James cut her off. 

“Screw Dumbledore, he said he would keep out boy safe. That’s not working out for him” James snapped, moving to their bedroom, starting to pack. 

They left that same evening. Dumbledore was gonna be furious.

oOo

Remus hadn’t bothered getting out of bed that day. He had woken up, body heavy and tears streaming down his face, nothing unusual. 

Some days were like this. He had learned how to function with the pain, with the loneliness during the past 10 years, but some days it was just too much. 

Minerva had said that he as suck at the bottom of the grief curve, that most people would have moved on by now, but he just couldn’t.

Some days the mere thought of being alone was enough to make him break down crying. Missing a body beside him that he should hate. 

Remus didn’t sleep in Sirius's side of the bed, hadn’t been able to make himself do it. The drawers were still full of his clothes, and his toothbrush was neatly placed in the small cup by the sink. 

Some days Remus tore all of it out, dumped it in the trash, or out the window. Sobbing and cursing Sirius far away. 

But it would rarely take him more than an hour to collect all the stuff again, fold it neatly, and put it back in place. 

Other days he would curl up in the sheets, hugging the dumb leather jacket that he had gotten him back in the fifth year, that he had left on the hanger that day when he went to go see Peter. 

Some days he didn’t feel like he could take a single breath without the sky collapsing, other days he felt nothing at all. 

That day was one of the first kind. 

Where no matter what he did, it would send him to the ground sobbing. 

Molly had told him that he needed to move on, that it had been 10 years, that he should get back on track. 

He had tried that, had forced himself to be “Normal” but it only resulted in even more chaos. 

He had lost everything he had ever cared for in 8 hours.

Eventually, when the rain began to hammer against the window of the tiny flat, Remus stood on shaky legs, realizing that he was freezing.

A cup of tea would make everything better, the voice in the back of his head whispered, just like Siri always did.

Remus sighed, and ignored the last part, instead finding the camomile tea at the top of the shelf.

Turning on the small muggle radio that he had owned since he was 13, Remus seated himself at the small kitchen table. The edge still had a little dent from that time Sirius fell over it, piss drunk, and stumbled over it. The dog animagus had broken four fingers and the table had suffered greatly.

Remus smiled at that, letting a new tear slide down his cheek. 

He should have stopped loving Sirius long ago. Should hate him. 

Remus sometimes told himself that he hated Sirius, that he despised him, that he was the one of the two who was a monster. 

But it was never enough to quiet the tumbling of his heart. Or the breaking of it. 

He sat there for a long while until a sound disturbed the peace. 

The rain had stopped, otherwise, he would have just though the sound to be that. 

Had he not been a werewolf, he would have missed the knock on his door. 

It wasn’t very loud, only a weak tapping. 

First, he contemplated ignoring it, not feeling up forever talking with a living creature for the rest of his life. He slowly turned back to his tea, sipping it hesitantly, praying that they would just go away.

But they didn’t, instead, the sound came again, this time louder and more persistent. Another long sigh escaped the werewolf, and he slowly stood, forcing his face to be the normal kind and relaxed features that he wore in public. 

He was wearing an oversized sweater and a pair of old pajama pants with small snitches on them, that James had given him. 

James, whom Sirius had killed, in cold blood. The voice wasn’t helping his case, and he let a grimace slide over his face. 

He was too slow, apparently, as the knocking sounded again. Someone wanted to speak to him. 

He let his hand slide over the doorknob, taking a deep breath before he opened the door ajar to see who was standing out there. 

Messy hair, dark eyes, and a pair of oversized square glasses stared back at him through the crack. 

None other than James Potter was standing right there, in his doorway.

Remus was going insane.

“Remus?” The man said, using James' voice. So calming and caring, Remus couldn’t breathe. He wanted to puke, to scream to cry, but none of that happened. 

Remus took one look at the stranger in front of his door, then turned around, took a single step, and fainted.

  
  



	2. Time doesn't always heal

James stood outside the door, nervously stepping from foot to foot, trying to calm his nerves. 

"Relax darling, it's gonna be fine" Lily placed her ringed hand on his back and he looked over at his wife who looked at him with reassuring green eyes. 

He wanted to believe her, he did, but how would he ever explain this to Remus and Sirius? 

How do you explain to your best friends that you feigned your death? That you were alive and had been staying at a cabin in France while they had fought a fucking war? 

At least this was Remus, understanding, logical and kind Remus. If anyone would understand, it would be him. 

Sirius on the other hand, that would be harder.

James had tried to imagine how he would react. If he would be angry, or just sad. 

What James had done, would have hurt Sirius worse than anything ever had, he knew that. 

Lost in his thoughts, he didn't notice the door creaking open and a face appeared before he heard the sharp intake of breath. 

Remus didn't look like himself. 

He looked old, hair longer than last time James had seen him, with the gray streaks extra prominent in the once golden hair, that had now seemed to dull to a sandy brown. 

New scars had joined the old ones on his face, where light stubble also had sprouted. 

His eyes were red-rimmed, and he looked like he hadn't slept in ages, but they were Remus's eyes. 

Tired and fragile, like a cornered animal, but they were Remus golden eyes staring back at him. 

James breathed a sigh of relief, taking a step forward. 

Remus didn't seem to register that. He only stood there in the half-open door, eyes wide and lips slightly parted. 

"Remus?" James asked, eyebrows scrunching up as all color drained from the werewolf's face "Are you alright?" 

Remus didn't respond, just turned around, took a single step, and fell over. As if his legs were twigs that had been broken. 

James leaped forward, catching the other man in his arms before he made an impact with the floor.

"That went great huh Lils?" James said breathlessly as his wife rushed into the room, eyes wide with worry. 

oOo

"I'm sorry for your loss" Remus had heard those words over and over again the past three days, and to be honest? he was sick and tired of it. 

"My condolences," Some of the older wizards said, as they patted him on the back, and gave him a stern look.

"They were such good people" was the approach of others, and those were the people he hated the most. 

Because they didn't know James and Lily. Sure everyone knew them, by name and reputation, but no one knew them as the Marauders had known them... no one knew them as Remus had known them. 

"Get fucked," He tells Dumbledore when the old man offers his condolences the day after the funeral. 

He locks himself in his apartment, surviving on nothing but firewhisky and misery. 

"You are so dramatic Moons" James would have teased him from across the room, tossing his golden snitch. 

"Oi, that's my job!" Remus could almost hear the fake offense in Sirius's voice. Suddenly 16 again and everything was perfect. 

But the second he opened his eyes, nothing was perfect anymore. He was all alone, and no-one was there to tease him, never again would he hear the dumb secret knock that James had insisted they all used. He would never hear Sirius tired voice complain about getting out of bed as Remus and James pulled off the covers. 

Never again...

oOo

"Remus?" when Remus woke up he was sitting on a chair in his small kitchen. How had he gotten here? Who was in his flat? 

For a few seconds, he felt the panic well up in him, then he remembered. 

He whipped his head around, staring at the James imposter who was standing awkwardly by the door to the kitchen, running his hands through his unruly hair in such a James way that Remus wanted to cry. 

Because he must have gone completely mad. 

Must have lost the last of his few marbles. 

Because James Potter, his dead best friend, was standing in his kitchen as if nothing had ever happened.

"Remus?" Slowly, Remus turned his head to the voice of Lily Evans, who sat crouched at his side "Remus are you okay?" 

Lily Potter, his mind corrected him, who was strong and beautiful and dead.

He wanted to shake his head, to say no I'm not, how are you not dead? But he couldn't make his lips move. 

"Listen, Moons, I have a lot of explaining to do," Not-James said, taking a step into the room.

Remus shouldn't trust him, even if the war was over, even if Voldemort had been defeated. This could be death eaters, they could be here to kill him, to torture him... Merlin's beard he should pull his wand should be ready to defend himself! 

But why? The voice whispered If they kill you so what? What would happen then other than getting you peace? 

So Remus didn't do anything, instead, he took a deep breath.

"There's tea in the kettle, why don't you take a cup and sit down?" 

oOo

The room was heavy with an uncomfortable silence, as they each sat with their steaming cups of tea in hand. 

Lily had her eyes on Remus, who still hadn’t said anything other than offering them tea, concern in her eyes. 

Honestly, James couldn’t blame her. Remus looked a mess, tears streaming down his face, staring at James as if he didn’t believe his own eyes. 

“I’m sure you have a lot of questions” James broke the silence, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

Silence filled the small space again, Remus did not break eye contact. Then he said ever so quietly, voice fragile and broken.

“Is it really you Prongs?” Golden eyes full of doubt and fear and acceptance and James' heart broke in half looking at his best friend. 

“Of course it’s me” James breathed, not able to make his voice work “ask me anything, any dumb Order question, anything” 

For a few seconds, Remus didn’t move a mussel, then ever so slowly he spoke up.

“What did I say in the second year when you confronted me?” Remus asked, and James didn’t even have to think about it. 

“I understand if you want me gone” James quoted, watching Remus’ eyes shatter. 

“What did you respond?” 

“Never in a lifetime” 

And suddenly in a flurry of motion, James found himself on the floor, entangled with a sobbing Remus. James didn’t mind for a second, letting his tears flow. 

“I’m home Moons” James whispered soothingly into the sandy locks of hair “You’re okay, I’m okay… Everything's gonna be fine” 

oOo

They sat on the floor for what felt like an eternity, her husband and Remus, but Lily didn’t disturb the two men. 

She had been with James on his sleepless nights when he would wander like a lion in a cage. 

“What if they’re dead?” he whispered into the darkness of their bedroom, and Lily didn’t know what to answer. 

She knew logically that they might be dead, that everyone they knew and loved might be gone and they wouldn’t know it, but she always ended up telling him that he was being a worrywart. 

That usually quieted his thoughts, combined with a couple of shots of firewhisky. 

When they had operated in front of the flat where Remus and Sirius had lived 10 years ago, none of them had been sure that the two men would still live there. 

But it had been their best shot, so that was what they had done. 

Seeing Remus again, was heartbreaking. 

She felt like she had failed him, by leaving him behind without telling him about the plan. He looked so fragile and weak, sitting there on the floor wrapped in James' arms like the deer animagus was the only thing keeping him from drowning. 

“Now, I think I owe you an explanation” James didn’t pull away from his friend, instead choosing to let Remus decide.

“Yeah, you do” Remus agreed, pulling away reluctantly “There is also a lot you need to know” as a shadow crossed the werewolf’s face, but it was gone as quickly as it appeared.

“So let me get this straight” Remus mumbled into his third cup of coffee “Dumbledore helped feign your deaths so that Harry would be safe from the prophecy, and you have been spending the last 10 years in some random forest in France?” 

“Well when you say it like that it sounds mental” 

They all sat around the table as Lily and James explained how Dumbledore had told them that it would be safer for both them and Harry in hiding somewhere else than the place the secret keeper was protecting. 

How they had put Harry in Dumbledore’s care, and how they had fled to France, only returning because of the newspaper article yesterday. 

“But that’s the essence of it” James admitted, running his hand through his hair for the thousand times within the hour, “Dumbledore said it would be the best way to protect us and Harry, even if Peter betrayed us” James caught his mistake when it was too late.

Remus demeanor changed, body going rigid and straight like a bowstring. His eyes became clear as day and what seemed like a tremor went through his body.

“Peter?” a bit more force was added to his words than before, coming almost desperately.

“Remus I can’t-” James didn’t get to finish Remus stood from the table so suddenly his chair fell over.

“No! It doesn’t matter, the location he was protecting was destroyed the night you died!” Remus held James’ gaze so intensely that James felt himself cower slightly in his seat “What do you mean about Peter?” 

James was silent for a while, then threw one look at Lily who nodded silently, 

“He was the secret keeper Remus, Sirius made us change the last second” Lily answered for James, who hung his head, “Sirius thought no-one would think it was him…” 

“Sirius wasn’t the secret keeper” James clarified, “Peter was” 

oOo

Remus felt his entire world collapse, felt like all air had been expelled from his body and his vision became blurry. 

He had to grab hold of the table as to not fall, otherwise, he was sure he would faint again. 

The nearing moon made everything more difficult as well, not giving him much chance to process what was being said to him. 

“If Sirius wasn’t the secret keeper” Remus whispered to himself mostly “then he wasn’t the… Then he wasn’t the rat” the werewolf breathed the last part, trying to comprehend the information. 

He felt a few stray tears run down his face, but he didn’t have the energy to dry them with his sleeve.

“Of cause he wasn’t” James exclaimed scandalously, and Remus could hear the anger in his words “You know Padfoot as well as I do, you know he would never… Wait people think he was the traitor?” James also stood, going to his the werewolf side.

Remus didn’t respond, just turned around, and ran to the living room, tearing open a closed drawer and throwing its content out onto the floor. 

He had kept the newspapers that described the Potters deaths, as well as the destruction of their hiding place and the arrest of Sirius, even though Molly had said that he should let it go and get rid of them. 

“The story sold to the newspapers was that your secret keeper betrayed you to the dark lord himself, who showed up at your hiding spot to kill you” Remus handed the newspaper over to James who took it before handing it to Lily, who began to read the pages with knitted brow. “Since you hadn’t told anyone anything about the change, everyone just assumed… Well, read the article” With those words, he handed over the newspaper that he hated the most. 

Sirius was on the front cover, covered in dried blood that wasn’t his and grime from the explosion. His eyes were wide and even on the black and white picture, the tear tracks were visible. 

He was not even struggling against the Aurors as they arrested him, he just laughed. 

That was the worst part, the laughter. 

Because that wasn’t how Sirius laughed, no that laugh on the front page was twisted, maddening… broken.

Sirius hadn’t betrayed them, Peter had. And suddenly everything made sense in Remus's head, as he slowly put together the invisible puzzle pieces. 

He was about to say something when a strangled sound came from James. 

It was something halfway between a sob and a cough, and Remus looked at him in confusion, then it hit him.

James hadn’t known about Sirius's arrest, hadn’t known all the stuff that was common knowledge in the English wizarding community at this point in time. 

The fact that his best friend, his brother, had been put in jail for mass murder was news to him, and Remus had just delivered those news in the worst possible way. 

  
  



	3. A Glimmer of Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James is ready to take action, and Sirius gets a surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this chapter! Please leave your feedback, it motivates me to post quicker!

James couldn’t breathe, that was the first thing that came to mind in the middle of all the confusion. 

He could hear people, but it sounded like they were talking to him through cotton, and he couldn’t recognize the voices. His vision was tunneling, with the only focus being on Padfoot, who was laughing maniacally from the front page of The Daily Prophet.

The article said something along the lines “A manic and victorious laughter” but James couldn’t see any victory in the eyes of his brother.

Actually he had never seen someone as devastated in his entire life. 

Kind, loud and brash Sirius with a heart of pure gold and stubborn as a donkey, his brother, who he would tear the world apart for, was in Azkaban.

Because of him.

This was all James’ fault, there was no way around it. 

Had James told Sirius about their plan, it would have worked out, everything would have worked out fine. But he hadn’t, instead he had chosen to trust Dumbledore, who he barely knew anything about, but had build what felt like layers upon layers of fake trust around him.

And now Sirius was paying for it. 

James shook himself out of the trance, took one look at the front page of the Daily Prophet then he set for the front door. 

“James where are you going?” Lily’s voice cut through the static the clouded his brain. James didn’t stop, he grabbed his coat.

“I’m going to have a conversation long overdue” And with that he went through the door, Remus and Lily hurrying to keep up. 

-

Sirius was used to this feeling, the numbness of his body. The cold floor didn’t bother him, neither did the stone digging into his back nor the howling wind that had kept him awake for days now. 

He didn’t feel a single thing, nothing besides the ache that he had been living with for the past 10 years. 

James had been sitting in the corner of his cell for the past four hours, yelling at him. Yet another occurrence that wasn’t unusual. 

Sirius knew that it wasn’t actually James, that James was dead and gone, and that it was all his fault. 

“You should have known that Peter was the spy” The hallucination of his dead best friend hissed, throwing up his arms as if to illustrate his point “You were the one who convinced us to change, me and my wife died because of you” 

Sirius had stopped answering the projection of his imagination a couple of days after he began showing up, which was about the second year into being locked up like this. 

Going crazy was not nearly as scary as the dog animagus had thought it would be, maybe because he had always dabbled on the edge of insanity… or maybe it was simply in his blood.

The Blacks had a thing for going crazy, that was so secret. 

He had laughed at that many times while being stuck in the cell, how he had ended up exactly where he had sworn he would never end. 

How James had ended up being right, back in fourth year, when he said that Sirius would be the death of him.

Sirius felt a smiled creep around his cracked lips, and a single tear slid down his cheek.

He could hear the voice of his cousin further down the hall, screaming gibberish to her husband as if he could hear her through the concrete walls of misery.

It was just Sirius’ luck that he was stuck in hearing distance of her. 

“The Dark Lord will free me, no cell can stop my Lord’s power!” She screamed, rattling her chains and letting out another screaming laugh.

“Can you fucking be quiet!” Sirius snapped back, feeling the irritation grow. Having your dead best friend yelling at you was more than enough to take care of, without your crazy cousin going off in the distance loud enough to bust and eardrum. 

“Little Sissy Siri!” Bella screamed back, smashing her handcuffs against the bars “Blood Traitor scum! My Lord with come for you too, maybe rid you of your pathetic life, if you get on your knees and beg!” 

Sirius turned into Padfoot, like he so often did whenever he needed the escape from Azkaban, that was otherwise impossible. 

He found comfort in taking on the fuzzy pelt of the dark animal. The heightened senses of the dog, was the only thing that allowed him to get a whiff of the ocean bellow in the air. 

Sirius senses had begun to slowly disappear over the years, just like his ability to get warm, or be happy.

Sucked out of him by the Dementors that always seemed to lurk around the corner. 

He stayed like that for… Well he didn’t actually know. His perception off time had been broken in the fourth year in the cell, when he had passed out after a dementor had stayed around a little longer than they normally did.

He hadn’t been able to count hours, nor days after that. 

When he finally turned back, it was because he heard the distinct sound of a jiggling. Keys.

Keys meant guards, and guards meant people. Sirius almost started to cry again, at the mere thought. 

Sirius had always had a hard time crying, it was never something he had been good at. Always too engraved with the pride of his blood to allow himself the small releaf. 

Now? It didn’t really seem to matter all that much, even if he did try to keep it at bay, the soul crushing despair that seemed to drown him was just too much. 

Turning back to his human form, he stood on weak and shaky legs and turned towards the back wall. The instructions always came anyway.

“Stand up, face the wall, hands over your head” so it had become routine whenever he heard the telltale sound of the keys jiggling. 

All the locks were magical, obviously, but it was never a mechanism Sirius had figured out.

The only thing he knew was that the keys played a major role. 

“Black” The thin voice of Ben cut through the air. 

Ben was the newest guard on the vicinity, newly educated from the unspeakables office, fresh from the academy. 

He held a certain fear of Sirius, smart kid, but he was also one of the only people who still treated the Azkaban prisoner like a person. 

“Good Afternoon Ben, how’s the kids?” Sirius chuckled for himself. He had found himself enjoying teasing the guards, even if it more often than not led to them spitting insults in his direction, maybe breaking one or two of his fingers if it was a bad day.

Ben didn’t respond, instead, Sirius heard the sound of keys yet again. 

Now that was unusual. 

The door to his cell had not been unlocked for ten years, not since he was put in there. Not daring to make a wrong move and scare the poor kid more than necessary, he stayed in the position instructed.

“Mr. Black I’m here to inform you of the news in your case” Ben said, voice shaking as he took a couple of uncertain steps into the cell “In the light of recent events, you will be reevaluated in front of the ministry, getting the right to a retrial” 

Sirius couldn’t help the laughter that bubbled up from his chest. This seemed to unnerve the kid even more, as he halted in his, clearly rehearsed, speech.

“Say Ben, when did you start becoming cruel” Sirius rhasped, feeling more tears press against his eyelids “Torturing a man with nothing left to lose isn’t very productive” 

Because there was no way, no way by Merlin's beard, that what Ben was saying was true. No-one knew about the change, no-one but Dumbledore who had done nothing for the past… however many years he had been in here. 

So what ‘recent events’ could possibly lead to the minister of magic accepting that he was wrong? 

“Mister Black, please, this-this isn’t a joke” Ben clarified, a bit of something Sirius recognized as pity bleeding into his voice “You will be moved to the holding cells of the ministry until your trail tomorrow morning at 6am sharp. I am only the messenger” Ben said, and then Sirius felt two sets of arms grab him roughly. 

He had not heard nor seen the two unspeakables until they grabbed him, forcing him in thick layers of chains around his wrists and ankles, as well as a metal collar the dug into his neck and a muscle that made it hard to breathe. 

Then a blinding curse was cast on him, and he was forced to stumble forward, in complete darkness. 

“Do you have to be so rough with him? What if he really is innocent” Ben’s voice was stiff and small, like a frightened child.

“He isn’t, so shut up Folley, and do your work” a rough and scratchy voice responded, as Sirius was forced on his knees. 

The Rest of the journey was a blur, nothing but disorientation and confusion and fear. 

At some point they arrived somewhere, and he was operated from one place to another. He could feel the tile floor under his bare feet. He was hosed down of grime, given fresh prison garments.

It wasn’t until he stumbled his way into what he presumed to be his new cell and fell harshly to the floor, that someone seemed to remember the blinding spell. 

“You blinded him!?” A slightly familiar voice sounded beside him, scandalized, anger evident in the gruff voice. There was the sound of scrambling feet as someone ran from the cell. 

And then Sirius could see again. The room was dark aside from a couple of warm lanterns shining in the hallway outside the bars. But even the soft, warm lights were blinding to Sirius after the many hours of darkness. 

He was so busy forcing his eyes to adjust to the lights, that he didn’t have time to acknowledge the big and hulkling form of none other than Moody, standing in the doorway and observing him. 

Not until he spoke up at least. 

“I removed the beard” Moody said, staring at the man on the floor behind the bars separating them “Thought you wouldn’t like it very much” 

And with those words, the man turned around and left Sirius in the cell, confused and scared and lonely.

  
  



	4. When good men fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Lily have a chat with Dumbledore, Moody comes to a realization and Remus is still trying to comprehend the situration unfolding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeeyyyy... I'm not dead? Anyways this took a long ass time to get posted, but here we are! I'm finally properly back with some new installments to this fic! Isn't this a happy day huh?  
> Anyways I can't promise to post regulary, but i really wanna finish this story, since i find it very fun to write, so please stick around even though it can take a while.  
> The more comments i get the more exited i get to write so if you wanna fuel my energy please write what you think in the comments!  
> Anyways i have this chapter and the next one already written, so hopefully they'll be posted soon.  
> I'm probably also gonna edit a bit around in the old chapters since i have found some mistakes and stuff ;P  
> Enjoy this chapter and thank you so much for reading.

Moody had been there when Potter showed up. He was doing a check in with Dumbledore concerning the Basilisk as well as yet another very clear breach of security at the school by the dark lord, and was just about to finish the last of the report and take his leave, when the fireplace began crackling. 

“Are you expecting guests?” He grumbled, but the slight furrow between his brows as well as the shift of his hand a bit closer to his wand made it clear that he did indeed not expect any guests. 

Any normal witch or wizard would not have seen the change in the powerful and ancient wizard, but Moody was anything but a normal wizard. He wasn’t even a normal Auror. 

However, as much expertise Alastor Moody had, nothing could have prepared him for the sight that greeted him as the flames evaporated and the figures stepped out. 

James had been one of the most promising Auror students he had seen for a very long time. Together with Black, they had been accelerating in the program, leaving even Moody impressed with the work they mustered. Had they been as good at solving trouble as they were at making it, they might have made Aurors in record time. 

He would recognize that messy mob of hair and those damn glasses anywhere. 

He had not had a lot to do with Evans. The girl had been studying to be a healer at the time of her pregnancy as far as Moody knew, and had been a valuable Order member of cause, like her husband and their friends, but he had rarely interacted with her.

Yet her red hair and green eyes were a feature that seemed to engrave themself in anyone who saw her.

Now, those green eyes were full of fury, ablaze with fire that could almost outdo the cold in James’. 

James Potter whose whole demeanor was always warm and welcoming, hazel eyes playful and kind, looked right past Moody, didn’t even seem to see him. He only had eyes for his old professor, who had tensed up in the big chair. 

Behind them, a third figure stumbled forward, Remus Lupin, the young werewolf infiltrator Dumbledore had used back in the day to get to Fenrir. He looked more confused than the two others, lacking the anger, but the pain in his eyes outweighed their burning contempt. 

Now this raised a lot of questions in the old Aurors mind, since, as far as Moody knew, both of the Potters were dead. 

“Mr. and Mrs. Potter” Dumbledore’s voice was calm as ever, and he didn’t seem the least bit surprised. Which led to three major conclusions, that Moody made sure to note down in his mental notebook. 

  1. Lily and James were not dead
  2. Dumbledore knew this
  3. This was not a part of the formers plan



Moody could see it in the way the older wizard held himself, tense and anticipating, like he’d been caught with his hands in the cookie jar and was waiting for the backlash. It was a bizarre look on the headmaster, and Moody knew that this situation might escalate beyond just a normal report. Curse this bloody school. 

“I do not believe this was a part of our agreement” Dumbledore stood from his table, slowly as if not to startle any of the people in the room. 

He was uncertain, that was a new look on him. Dumbledore had been surprised, Moody could count on one hand the number of times he had seen his old friend be surprised. Moody suppressed a shudder, as James' anger hit it’s boiling point and bubbled over. 

“Neither was this!” James hissed, smacking down a pile of newspapers from 11 years ago down on the desk. 

The first one was a picture of their hideout, the tiny house that Moody remembered clearly, himself had helped pick, destroyed and with the dark mark floating over it. Moody had been there when the bodies were extracted, had seen the waxy expressions and glossy eyes. Which made it all the more eerie to see the same two people standing in the room. 

The second article was the one declaring Black’s arrest. Moody skipped that one as quickly as possible, he did not need to see a picture to know how that day had looked. 

“I understand your anger, mr. Potter, it must be quite distressing news to return to-” Lily, who also looked like she was about to explode like a volcano, hissed, voice seething like flames. 

“You do not even begin to understand our anger!” She slammed both her hands down onto the table, “You told us you would keep him safe, that you would keep all of them safe!” Dubledore looked like he was going to respond, but he didn’t get the chance before Lily continued. 

“This doesn’t look like protection to me! You had our son almost killed, you let our friend rot in Azkaban for a crime , you know he didn’t commit and the rest of them you left behind to fend for themselves the moment you couldn’t use them anymore, and now, you have the audacity to tell me you’re protecting anyone-” 

Moody zoned out the rest of her speil, instead focussing on one specific point of her argument that made his veins turn to ice.

There were only so many of their friends in Azkaban, one to be specific, so there weren’t really that much to think about. 

Moody didn’t have to look at the front page of the newspaper to know what was displayed. He had been there after all.

-

_The manic laughter could be heard before the crime scene came into view. Moody was no stranger to dealing with deranged Death Eaters, so that in itself was nothing new._

_He could however mention a million other things he would rather be doing the day after one of his most promising students had been brutally murdered, dealing with this was not even on the list._

_The street was in shambles, even as damage control Aurors were doing what they could to reconstruct it._

_Most of the bodies had already been removed, but the blood splatter still painted what remained of the cobblestone street, running in the space between stones like small macabre rivers._

_Moody didn’t even flinch, as he often said, he’d seen worse, keeping his face passive and scrolling was part of why he was so excellent at his job._

_And so, he could have cursed himself halfway back to the ministry, and the shock that flooded his veins as he watched the scene that unfolded before him._

_Black was covered in bruises and dust from the destroyed street. His glossy black hair was a mess, his clothes even worse._

_But none of that was what made the ancient Auror halt in the middle of the street._

_Nor was it the brutal grib the other Aurors held on the younger man, despite his clear lack of fighting or the tears that drew tracks through the grime on his face._

_No it was the manic laughter, so unlike anything Moody had ever heard come from the young Black, and the wild look in his eyes only sealed the deal. The kid had lost it completely._

_Beside him, Shacklebolt, fresh out of training himself, sucked in a sharp breath, forcing Moody back into action._

_“Seems like we found the rat” the old Auror grunted, then moved towards the howling mad man. Trying his best to separate the Death Eater before him and his brilliant, havoc making, headache of a student._

_The Daily Prophet arrived just as they were Apperating Black, snapping the later infamous picture of the madman he was later dubbed by the media storm that covered the brutal murders._

_He had later in his report described the ordeal as unsurprising. It was to expect from a firstborn from one of the sacred twenty eight, he wrote, not once doubting his own words. He had many nights cursed himself for not seeing the warning signs sooner, it had been right in front of him. As an auror, he prided himself on seeing right through people's lies. And yes in Black, he had seen many lies. He had seen the shadows and the fear that crowded the young man, seen the flinches and the sleepless nights. But those had never even crossed his mind as a warning sign of a death eater. No, those were the signs of growing up as the Gryffindor son of Walburga and Orion Black in that dark magic cesspool they called a house. He had been there once, Grimmauld Place 12, and had never wanted to set foot in there again, the only source of light that came from there was the oldest child. The brightest star in the sky._

_He had, like everyone else, let himself be fooled by the brilliant gold and red colors that the boy had presented, by the easygoing and loyal facade. He had even found himself liking the boy, however much he hated to admit to it. it was after all, hard not to like Sirius Black as many would later tell authorities. That would be with him till the day he died, as well as the bodies of Mr. and Mrs. Potter, dead in their home._

\- 

For the first time in his career, Moody questioned his own judgement. He was good at his job, and there was rarely any doubt in his system when he locked the door behind a criminal offender out at the island. But as it often was when the oldest Black boy was involved, he would have to reconsider what there had never been a doubt about before. 

“We don’t want an explanation” Potter’s voice cut through the cotton that had filled Moody’s ears “We want our son back and Sirius out now, the war is over and so is our deal” 

There was no room for argument in the young man’s voice, nor in Lily’s eyes. 

It only took another two hours of discussion, explanation and reassurance before Moody found himself escorting two dead people and a rather cattatonic werewolf to the Ministry of Magic. 

He was not paid nearly enough. 

-

Remus felt the whole ordeal pass by in a haze. He barely sensed the change of scenery as they barged into Dumbledore’s office, nor the rather dramatic discussion that followed. 

His brain still hadn’t caught up with the events of the day yet, and he had to consistently rub his eyes or pinch himself before looking back at either Lily or James. 

Some part of him still didn’t believe it, couldn’t even begin to fathom the idea that all these years had been for nothing.

All the pain and tears and anguish, all the grief and anger and loss that had completely ruined him, a lie. 

Unnecessary. 

He was probably gonna be angry about it later, once it really settled in his mind, once he understood that they were actually here. 

Whether it would be anger aimed at the Potters, Dumbledore or himself was yet to be discovered, but Remus put what little money he had on one of the latter. 

However, he forgot about that every single time James talked. With every sway of the messy black hair and every flash of hazel eyes, his pain melted away bit by bit. He looked older, more like his dad Remus noted, but that was his James. Marauder James.

James was right there. Alive and breathing, and so was Lily. 

She had been holding his hand tightly in hers since they left the apartment, only letting go to smack the folded up newspapers dramatically onto the old headmaster’s desk. 

She had been rubbing small circles with her thumb in his palm, tracing a thin scar that lingered there from one time he had fallen down the stairs with James as the two of them were racing for the kitchens. A good scar, James called it that night as healed the small injury.

Brilliant and bright and a force to be reckoned with, Lilly Evans who had stood with him through thick and thin. She was here breathing and alive. 

He couldn’t control the tears that welled in his eyes at the reminder, and luckily everyone was too caught up in the important argument going on around him, that he really should be listening to, but he could only hear parts of. 

He felt like there had been placed a dome of foggy glass over him, he was unable to make out details, but understanding the context by the bits and pieces that barreled through the glass. 

But it didn’t matter, none of it did, because James and Lily were alive and everything was gonna be okay again. 

It wasn’t until James entered his vision, smooth voice pulling him from the trance that he had been floating in for however long they had been in the office. 

“Hey Moons” James smiled at him, burying a hand in Remus’ too long grey streaked hair, “We’re going to the ministry now, we’re getting Padfoot back, you have to stand up” the brilliant shade of hazel brown met Remus’ golden eyes as the stag Animagus let the words sink in. Patiently, James took a hold of Remus’ hand and helped him stand. 

Remus’ movements were slow and sluggish, unsteady, held on James' arm as they were escorted by Moody. He vaguely felt the familiar twisting feeling of flooring, if only barely since compared to his monthly transformation it was nothing. Then in the blink of an eye he was met with the dark tiled floors of the Ministry's main entrance, ministry officials stopping in their tracks mouth agape and staring. Several people seemed to recognize the Potters as they trekked through the giant building, more than one scrambling to pick up papers dropped in shock. 

But the only thing that Remus cared about were James' words, they were gonna get Sirius back. 

The words that rang through Remus' head, and everything else took second priority. The unease that he had been so used to deep in his bones, was easing off, the pack the wolf had been howling for in misery for years, was so close. Remus could almost taste it, the freedom that came with it. 

The feeling of the pack was a feeling Remus had never thought he would feel again, yet here it was, right within his grasp. 

They were gonna get his Padfoot back.

-

Alastor Moody didn’t know how to feel. He had just dropped Mr. and Mrs. Potter as well as Mr. Lupin and Dumbledore off with the minister and some higher up in the administration to take their statement. He had been sent to monitor the arrival of Mr. Black as well as informing the family that might need to be told of the development in Black’s case. This included none other the Mrs. Andromeda Tonks and Nymphadora, his recently graduated student. Sighing, he made his way towards his office where he had tolk Tonks to find him once he returned from mission. She had gotten a muggle murder case together with a more expirienced Auror, and had recently come to Moody needing help. 

He let out another deep sigh, murder was so much more easy to deal with than guilt.   
He had been right. She was sitting at his desk, hair bright pink and uniform still on, looking over what looked like a messy casefile. She looked up with a smile when he entered, but that quickly dropped when she saw his face. 

For a moment he stopped and looked at her, wondering if maybe he should wait with telling her till Andromeda had gotten the message. But he also knew that if he didn’t, she would get furious with him. He wasn’t gonna break her trust like that. 

“Moody?” she promoted, already standing from the chair with a deep furrow between her brows. 

“There had been some developments in an old case of mine” he kept his voice neutral, starring her in the eyes “in the case of the Potters murder as well as the brutal killing of 13 muggles on respectivly the 31st of October and 1st of November 1981” this caught her attention. 

Her eyes widened, she was fully standing now, as if frozen to the ground. All traces of a smile gone from her lips. 

“I need you to inform your mother of her Cousin Sirius Black’s trail tomorrow at 6am, in front of the full ministry as well as the wizengamot and half the auror unit. She will be a witness and so will you” he didn’t let her answer, just left the room in a brisk walk. At least he was not known to be nice, otherwise that display would have been quite a puck to his reputation. 

He had a total of five minutes before Sirius Black was arriving, not nearly enough to reach the arrival port from Azkaban, so he decided to meet up with the patrol in charge but the holding cell that had been designated for the prisoner. 

It would seem that not even that did he have time for. The hallways he was met with were already full of people.

Two unspeakables were standing before him, with a third behind them looking like a kicked puppy. Between the two tallest of the unspeakables were who could only be Sirius Black. Long black hair cascading over his gaunt face. He was thin as a stick and sickly pale like all Azkaban prisoners were. Around both his wrists as well as his ankles were chains that connected with a metal collar that had dug sharply into his neck. He had been hosed down, and his hair was frankly soaking wet dripping on his clothes that had been changed to some clean prison clothes that did little to make him look any better. 

The other man was shaking like a leaf, as if the heat was not turned up and it was summer outside. Moody walked briskly towards the small gathering, that had yet to notice him, angrily fishing out his wand. 

The two figures showed Black through the door to his cell with little care, and Black stumbled ungracefully from their grasps face first to the ground. Moody reached the two figures who both snapped their attention to him like a deer in the headlights. They clearly hadn’t expected to see him down here. 

However, none of this was what had caught Moody’s attention as he looked down at the figure cowering on the floor. No it was the magic white glace that had been put over the other man's eyes. He had been blinced. 

Anger bubbled up in Moody and he snapped back to the two Unspeakables that were now backing away.

“You blinded him?” Moody did what he could to keep his voice neutral, but it clearly didn’t work. Both the unspeakables almost fell over each other to get out of the small basement, followed closely by the third younger one. 

Moody sighed, then turned back to Sirius Black struggling under the weight of the chains and the blindness. With a wave of Moody’s wand, the chains were gone together with the blinding spell and the ill kempt beard. The beard was not a necessity, but as Moody stood there and looked down at the younger man, he was reminded of the borderline obsessive self care routine Black had prided himself on till the very end. Leaving the beard off for the trial almost felt like a further degrading act of punishment. It was a small gesture, but Moody hoped it mattered at least a bit. 

He heard the audible gasp as Black regained his vision. 

The young man blinked, panicked, desperately trying to force his eyes to work properly again. The younger man pushed himself up and turned around to stare up at Moody. As he looked his biggest mistake in the eyes, Moody suddenly felt more than he had since he became an Auror. 

“I removed the beard” Sirius didn’t reply, eyes clouded with dark confusion “Thought you wouldn’t like it very much” and then he couldn’t stand looking at the boy anymore. He turned around and walked from the small holding cell, guilt dragged behind him like a shadow as he left.


	5. In the Dark - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius sees some familiar faces, James was not prepared and the court is opened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellow! I am back and kicking at it with this chapter, the next one will be the reunion so stick around for that! I hope you enjoy and thank you so much for all the nice comments that you guys have left! It really makes me want to write this and it makes me very happy, thank you really from the bottom of my heart.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter and I'll see you next time!

“Mr. Black, are you ready?” The voice was calm and comforting, nothing like vicious voices of his cousin, nor an angry warden. Confusion filled his mind as he slowly lifted his head. 

Sirius hadn’t been warm for 11 years, warmth like this didn’t exist in Azkaban not even in the summer. The unfamiliar warmth is what he blamed for his slow reaction time as his cell was unlocked and two unspeakables walked inside followed by an auror that looked vaguely familiar. He desperately tried to remember how he ended up in this situation. Wherever this situation was.

Somewhere in his mind, a hazy memory resurfaced of his conversation with Ben. It was hard to determine whether or not it was a dream that the dementors had missed, but it became more and more clear in his head as he blinked again, trying to make out the person before him. 

Had the whole thing been a dream? Some of it had to be real, he was cleaner than he’d been in 11 years, and the terrible beard was gone, so at least some of last night had happened. 

His brain was working overtime trying to connect the bits and pieces his memory had let him keep. 

A person with pale pink hair and startling blue eyes sat crouched before him, sadness swimming in their blue orbs as they held a pair of shackles and a collar loosely in their hands. He had seen them before, the pink haired person, he was almost sure of it, but his mind was a blank slate and all that came forward as he tried to remember was tv static. 

He didn’t move. Opting to curl up further in the corner where he had stationed himself, barely looking over his arms that held his knees close to his chest. 

Somewhere behind the person with the pink hair, there was movement, and he flinched instinctively as one of the unspeakables moved to get closer to him. 

“Get the fuck away from him” The pink haired person snapped, turning away from him and towards the two unspeakables that immediately backed off. 

“Tonks-” one of the unspeakables was about to say something, but the pink haired person cut them off. 

“No, let me handle this or leave. He’s not gonna hurt me, he’s innocent” there was no room for argument in the person's voice, and the two unspeakables seemed to agree as they backed off. 

The person, Tonks, turned back to him. Something about the name rang a tiny bell somewhere in his mind, yet who the name was connected to he couldn't place. He had forgotten a lot of people in Azkaban, people he knew he should know. The few faces and names he could still connect could be counted on his fingers. 

“Listen Sirius, I’m sorry but we have to take this precaution” the person reached out and gently took his hands in theirs “The second your ruling is given, I’ll take them off I promise you” the metal locked around his wrists and neck, but he couldn’t find the energy to care. 

“The ruling?” it was the first words to leave his mouth since his conversation with Ben in Azkaban, if that had even happened. If this was even happening. 

The situation was so surreal it didn’t take much for him to start doubting. His hallucinations had never been this graphic, nor long. They also hadn’t introduced whole new casts of people or even brought Remus up before, not to mention Moody of all people. 

No, it was only James that came to him, when his brain waged war against him. 

But hell, one time had to be the first for everything. 

He didn’t say anything else as the pink haired Auror helped him to his feet and handed him over to the two unspeakables. 

“Sirius we’re all in the witness stand, you’re not alone no matter what okay?” Tonks gave him a smile as he was led away “Don’t panic, just get through this and then it’ll all be over, I promise” and then suddenly, it clicked in his brain. 

He was going to die. This was his death sentence, they were going to kill him. 

Somewhere in himself, he found laughter bubbling, but all he could get to the surface was tears. A couple stray tears ran down his face as he was forced forward through the dark hallways and doors into a room so bright and loud and bright his knees buckled with the sensory overload that assaulted his system. The loudest thing he’d heard the past 11 years were the constant beating of the waves, Bellatrix screaming endlessly and if he was lucky booms of thunder echoing through the walls of Azkaban. 

The only other sound's were the sick breathing of the dementors, even the thought of it made him shudder, cold washing over him. 

He was dragged the rest of the way through the room that had turned eerily quiet at his arrival, and placed in a tall and slim cage in the middle of the gathering.

The metal spikes digging into his flesh no matter what way he turned, were motivation enough to stand up as straight as he could in the cage, even though his legs wanted nothing more than to let him fall. Fall fall fall and never get up again, go to sleep and stay asleep. 

The tears didn’t stop as he forced himself to look at the gathering surrounding him. He saw the judge, a harsh looking man, with little to no emotion in his face besides a deep line between his brows and a pair of eyebags that Sirius was sure could rival his own. Turning his gaze around he found nothing but stone faces and thin lips, until his gaze caught the witness stand. 

Tonks was there as they said they were gonna be, beside someone that looked like his mother almost down to the line. Had it not been for the soft worry lines and the emotion in her eyes, he would have thought the old hag back from the grave, another shudder went through him, if he had to choose between Walburga and Azkaban, he would gladly snog a dementor if it meant he didn’t have to spend a single day more in Grimmauld Place 12. On Tonk’s other side stood Moody, and beside Moody… ah, there he was. 

James stood beside Lily Potter looking at him, his eyes hard and lips pulled back in a serious manner. James’ left arm was around Lily, holding her tight, more to support himself than her if Sirius knew his friends as well as he thought he did. Prongs had always been the softer of the two. 

Even in Sirius’ final hours, their ghosts would haunt him it would seem. He found a strange comfort in that, even if this was his final moments, James would be with him to the end like the older boy had always promised when they were younger. 

Sirius let the knowledge calm him, maybe, just maybe, whoever was to judge him once he was gone from this earth, would be kind enough to let him see the real James again. 

Just once more.

With newfound acceptance, Sirius turned back to the judge, who let the hammer fall once, twice, thrice. 

“I hereby declare the case of Sirius Black, closed 2nd of November 1981, reopened” someone stood up and walked to the front of the room, “Mr. Black, to lead this case it had been elected to use the powers of Veritaserum, do you consent to this method of interrogation?” The judge read out loud from a piece of parchment and a wand pressed to the side of his neck to amplify the sound for every one in the room to hear.

Sirius was stunned for a moment, hadn’t expected to actually have a word in anything that happened in the courtroom. Uncertainty took his tongue and he found himself quiet for too long.

“Mr. Black do you consent?” the judge repeated, impatience leaking through the neutral tone as he looked him in the eyes. Sirius scrambled for a reply, ended up nodding anxiously, trying out his voice yet again. 

“Yes” it was barely a whisper, and the word broke always through, making him sound more like a dog than a man. There was a comedic irony somewhere in that statement. James would have laughed. 

Throwing a look over his shoulder, Sirius saw that the hallucination of James did not laugh, instead he turned his head away from the scene and into Lily’s shoulder. 

“Very well then” a small woman presented him with a small flask of green liquid, she took the flask in her hand and held it to his lips. Her hands were shaking, as if she expected him to bite off her fingers if they got to glose. 

He chuckled for himself, momentarily forgetting the world around him. What a bizarre thought, that he would ever bite anyone. 

-

When James had held a rapidly bleeding out Sirius on the Potter manor’s doorstep after Walburga Black had disinherited him in the middle of Christmas in their 5th year, he had promised that nothing bad was ever gonna happen to his brother ever again. 

That proved wrong many times since. After they decided to become Aurors and join The Order, all of them got hurt pretty often, there was very little to do about that. 

Sirius was more accident prone than most others, the personal vendetta most of pureblood Britain had against him rarely worked in his favour after all. 

Yet, James had never seen him as beaten and bloodied and broken as Sirius had looked after that holliday. His brother had never been the same since, but he got pretty damn close some days. 

It was often late at night or after a harsh mission James saw glimpses of the shadows that his brother carried from his childhood melt back into his grey eyes. When this happened, he would do one of two things. 

If Sirius was at his and Remus shared flat, he would floo Remus, inform him of his boyfriends need to be taken care of, however severe a need that might be, and leave the two of them to take care of it. Remus could understand Sirius’ pain in a different way, a way James could only acknowledge. 

James had lived a happy life, his parents were great, there had never been a shadow of a doubt that they loved him. He was rich and spoiled and his greatest worry was who won the quidditch cup and when he got his new broom. The things Remus and Sirius had been through were only bad stories to James. He could comfort them through it, but fully understanding in the way the two of them did each other was not possible. 

And he was fine with that. He could be the rock when they needed him, the caretaker, he liked that. 

If Sirius was at his place, which he often was when Remus was out for Dumbledore, he would make some hot cocoa with marshmallows, sit him down on the sofa and talk. 

Sirius enjoyed when James talked about all and nothing. Sometimes it would lull Sirius to sleep and they would stay there on the sofa, holding each other close and for a moment forget all about the war. 

Looking at Sirius now, he wanted to do just that. 

He wanted to run to his brother, sweep him into his arms and fight everyone and anyone who tried to stop him. He wanted to take Sirius home to Potter manor and make him hot cocoa and make everything better again. 

But that was not gonna happen, he knew that. 

Sirius was dragged onto the room, legs failing halfway. Cascades of waist-long, black, tangled hair fell over his face, obscuring it from view. 

The prison garments hung loose off of his thin body, making him look like a child. James struggled to keep himself in check, grabbing a hold of Lily who stood beside him, vast and brave as the absolute wonder she was. 

Her green eyes met his own and he found the strength to look back at the courtroom in those green orbs that he would sacrifice his life for. 

_ “Merlin's beard James, I get it, you’re in love with Evans!” The shadow of 13 year old Sirius complaining in the common room at 2 in the morning with a transfiguration book lazily floating up and down in front of him “start writing poetry or something, I’ll go insane if i have to hear another word”  _

That 13 year old, was so far from the man that stood in the spiked cage merely ten feet away from James himself. All traces of that Sirius seemed gone. What if they never came back? 

James tightened his grip on Lily and she squeezed his hand in silent comfort, he turned and looked back at Sirius, as the judge found the papers and declarations necessary. 

All air left his lungs and had it not been for Lily’s hand around him, his knees would have collapsed under him. 

Sirius was staring directly at him, features gaunt and bizzare, like looking at a corpse. Deep eyebags and the sunken eyes made Sirius look more like a skeleton than a person. His eyes were pale and grey and so unbelievably scared that James almost couldn’t bear it. They looked like the murky grey London sky, dull and with the only sign on life in them, the bone chilling fear. 

What surprised him the most however, was that the second his eye caught James' own, Sirius relaxed. His whole body that had been stiff as a board loosened up, tension bled out of his muscles and his face changed from one of terror to one of acceptance. James had to turn away then, like a coward he chose to occupy himself with the flaming red hair of his wife who leaned further into his hold. 

“I’ll keep an eye on him till you’re ready love” Lilly whispered to him, not removing her gaze from her brother in law. James nodded, burying his face in her neck like a child hiding from a monster under his bed. 

James felt all guilt for not letting Remus join them in the courtroom vanish like clouds from the sun. Remus was barely in any condition to leave his apartment, let alone be a witness at the trail of his wrongly accused love-of-his-life. That was one thing that James’ could find some comfort in, that Remus was sitting in an office somewhere, with Arthur Weasly drinking tea until this was all over.

Neither James nor Lily had been comfortable with Remus joining the hearing, but they had been even less comfortable with leaving him with some random Aurors in some random office, so Moody had suggested calling in Arthur to sit with the werewolf until all was dealt with. 

James was brought back to the room by the judge opening court, breaking the eerie silence that had filled the room the second Sirius had entered. 

Taking a deep breath, James prepared himself, this was gonna be a long trail. 


End file.
